Living with Ongoing Loss and Anticipatory Grief

Living with Ongoing Loss and Anticipatory Grief

Grief does not always begin after someone dies. In some situations, the sense of loss starts earlier, or continues over a long period as a person, relationship or life circumstance changes.

This is often called anticipatory grief, but it can also involve ongoing or repeated loss. The person may still be alive, or the situation may still be unfolding, yet life has already changed in ways that cannot be reversed. People sometimes describe this as grieving slowly, or feeling that they are already saying goodbye while still needing to continue with everyday life.

You might be here if:

• someone close to you is changing due to illness, ageing or other circumstances

• you feel as though you are already grieving, even though the person is still alive

• you are living with ongoing uncertainty about what will happen next

• you feel caught between hope and the reality of what is changing

• you are carrying responsibility for caring for or supporting someone

• others do not fully understand the impact this is having on you

When loss happens before the loss is final

Ongoing or anticipatory grief can occur in many situations, including:

• dementia, Parkinson’s disease or neurological illness

• chronic or life-limiting health conditions

• ageing and loss of independence

• personality or cognitive changes in someone close to you

• addiction or mental illness in a family member

• long-term caring responsibilities

• relationship changes that happen gradually

• estrangement where the relationship still feels present

• waiting for an expected death

• repeated hospital stays or health crises

In these situations, the loss may not be complete, but something important has already changed.

When the loss continues over time

Grief that unfolds slowly can be difficult because there may be no clear point where it begins or ends. You may find yourself adjusting again and again as circumstances change, while still trying to manage the practical demands of everyday life.

People may feel tired from constantly adapting, uncertain about the future, guilty for wishing things were different, or overwhelmed by responsibility, particularly in caring roles. There can also be a tension between hope and recognising what has already changed.

Because the person is still alive, or the situation is still ongoing, others may not recognise this kind of grief. It can feel as though you are expected to cope without support, even when the impact has been building over a long period.

You may also find it helpful to read more about the different ways grief can be experienced: Understanding the Dimensions of Grief.

When others do not recognise the grief

Anticipatory and ongoing grief is sometimes misunderstood. You may hear comments such as:

“At least they’re still here.”

“You just have to stay positive.”

“That’s part of life.”

Even when these comments are meant kindly, they can make it harder to speak openly about what you are actually experiencing. You may love someone deeply and still feel exhausted, frustrated or sad about what has changed. You may hope for improvement while also recognising losses that have already occurred.

When grief is not recognised, it can become isolating as well as painful.

How counselling can help with anticipatory or ongoing grief

Counselling offers a place to explore this kind of loss without needing to minimise or explain it. The focus is not on getting over the loss, but on understanding what is changing, how it is affecting you and what the relationship or situation means in your life.

This work may include talking about what has already changed, the uncertainty of what may happen next, mixed feelings about caring or responsibility, and the effect of having to keep adjusting over time. At other times, the focus may be on how you are managing now, what you need, or how to live alongside circumstances that cannot simply be resolved.

My approach to grief work is relational and paced, with respect for the meaning the relationship or situation has in your life. You can read more about my overall Grief and Loss Counselling approach.

There is no correct timeline for anticipatory or ongoing grief. For some people, feelings come and go as circumstances change. For others, the sense of loss remains present for a long time. Having somewhere to speak openly can help make sense of what is happening while continuing to live within a life that may now feel quite different.

Next Steps

If you are living with ongoing loss, caring for someone, or facing changes that feel like grief, you are welcome to book a free 15-minute enquiry call.

This is a brief, no-obligation conversation where we can talk about what has been happening and whether counselling feels like the right support now.