“Don’t take it personally.”
It is a phrase that has never sat comfortably with me. It reminds us that another person’s behaviour may have little to do with us, and sometimes that perspective is helpful. Yet each time I hear those words, I find myself returning to the same thought.
But it is personal.
Not because another person’s behaviour is necessarily about us. Often it isn’t. What is personal is how we experience it. Whatever happens is lived through our history, relationships, bodies, values and circumstances. The same event can be experienced very differently because no two people inhabit exactly the same world.
The impact of an experience is rarely understood all at once. As we begin to explore what has happened, we often notice things we hadn’t recognised before. Feelings begin to find words, and what first seemed obvious sometimes gives way to something quite different.
What Happened?
Certain conversations stay with us long after they have ended. They slow us down, helping us notice what we hadn’t yet recognised, find words for what has been difficult to name, and understand more about the impact of what has happened.
The conversations I remember are rarely those that offer the quickest explanation. They stay with the experience a little longer and often begin with simple questions.
What happened?
What are you noticing?
What has stayed with you?
How has this affected you?
Questions like these invite us to stay with what has happened a little longer before settling too quickly on an explanation.
Before We Decide What It Means
When something affects us, it’s natural to look for an explanation. We may arrive at one ourselves, or someone else may offer one. Explanations can be helpful, but I’ve often wondered what becomes possible when we resist the urge to settle on one too quickly.
Given a little more time, our understanding often deepens. We begin to recognise what has changed, what has stayed with us, and why it matters. The understanding that develops feels different because it grows from our own experience rather than someone else’s interpretation.
Not every attempt to understand our experience leads to the same place. Sometimes we find clarity. At other times, questions continue unfolding long after the moment has passed. Looking back, we may realise we discovered something about ourselves that we hadn’t recognised when it all began.
Why Therapy Can Feel Different
This is one of the things that draws me to psychotherapy. Gestalt psychotherapy gave language to something I had been noticing for years: understanding often develops by staying with an experience rather than moving too quickly to explain it.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is stay with an experience long enough for its meaning to become clearer.
That is why I have never been comfortable with the phrase, “Don’t take it personally.” It is personal – not because everything is about us, but because every experience deserves the opportunity to be understood before we decide what it means.
