Fiona is sitting in a meeting when someone suggests something she doesn’t agree with. She has an opinion and can feel it forming, but before she says anything, the conversation has moved on. Later, driving home, she finds herself replaying the moment and wondering, Why do I keep doing this? It is a familiar question, and sometimes it becomes: why do I keep repeating the same patterns, even when I know they no longer help? It is easy to see these patterns as faults, but sometimes they make more sense when we become curious about how they developed and what they may once have helped us manage.
Why Do We Keep Repeating the Same Patterns?
Perhaps Fiona grew up in a family where disagreement was difficult. Arguments may have become heated, another person’s feelings may have filled the room, or Fiona may simply have discovered that things went more smoothly when she stayed quiet. Over time, keeping the peace became familiar. That may be part of the story, but it does not have to explain everything, because patterns are rarely that tidy. Temperament, relationships, culture, later experiences and the situation we are in now can all shape how we respond.
In Gestalt therapy, we sometimes talk about creative adjustment: the ways we adapt to the circumstances around us. A response can be protective or necessary in one situation and less useful in another. Life changes, but sometimes the response stays. Fiona is no longer a child trying to manage the atmosphere at home; she is an adult in a work meeting, yet the familiar message may still arrive quickly: stay quiet, don’t make trouble, let it go.
Noticing What Happens
If Fiona came to therapy and told me about the meeting, I would be interested in the small space between having an opinion and not expressing it. Did she feel something in her body? Did she expect someone to become annoyed? Did she worry she would seem difficult, or did it all happen so quickly that she barely noticed? Awareness does not make a pattern disappear, but it can make something automatic easier to see.
The same thing might happen between us. I might say something Fiona disagrees with, and she might nod anyway. If I notice a hesitation, I might ask whether what I said actually fits for her. She pauses and says, “Not really.” We can stay with that moment and notice what it is like for her to disagree. Perhaps she tenses, feels embarrassed, wants to take the words back, or feels almost nothing at all. We do not need to turn it into a breakthrough; we only need to notice what is there.
A Safe Emergency
Sometimes in Gestalt therapy we use experiments: small invitations to try something different and notice what happens. I might ask Fiona whether she wants to say her disagreement more directly. She might laugh, feel nervous, say no, stumble over the words, or surprise herself. There is a Gestalt phrase for this: a safe emergency. The “emergency” is the disruption of doing something unfamiliar, while the “safe” part is having enough support to explore it without being pushed.
For Fiona, saying, “Actually, I don’t agree with you,” may look like almost nothing from the outside, while inside it may feel very different. The point is not to get her to behave in a particular way, but to notice what becomes possible when she steps slightly outside a familiar response.
What Support Would Help?
Laura Perls, one of the founders of Gestalt therapy, placed particular importance on support and on our capacity to keep adjusting creatively to what life asks of us. I find that useful because it moves us away from the idea that change is simply about trying harder. Alongside Why do I keep doing this? another question can emerge: What would I need to have another option here?
For Fiona, that might mean having more time before answering, noticing her feet on the floor, taking a breath before she speaks, or slowly discovering that disagreement does not always end in conflict or rejection. It might also mean recognising that sometimes staying quiet still makes sense. The question is not what Fiona should do, but what gives her enough room to choose.
These patterns can become especially noticeable around parents, managers, supervisors, and other people whose authority or approval carries particular weight. I explore that more closely in Why Do I Feel Smaller Around Some People?, including what can happen to our voice and sense of choice in those relationships.
More Choice, Not a Different Personality
Therapy is not about deciding that Fiona’s old way of coping is wrong and replacing it with a better version of herself. Staying quiet is not always a problem; sometimes it is wise, protective, or simply not worth arguing. The question is whether Fiona has some freedom in how she responds. If silence is the only option, something has become fairly fixed. If she can notice what is happening and decide whether to speak, stay quiet, ask for time, disagree or walk away, she has more flexibility.
Her old way of responding doesn’t have to disappear; it can remain available without being the only option. So when you find yourself thinking, Why do I keep doing this?, it may be worth becoming curious before deciding the pattern needs to go. Perhaps it helped once, perhaps it still does sometimes, and perhaps its origins are complicated and not completely knowable. The more useful question may not be: How do I stop being like this? but what would help me have another choice?
